"Real or Not Real?"

For the next part of this story I feel it necessary to start by telling you that I put off writing this because it is the hardest part to comes to terms with. Meaning that I am stuck at the moment in a state of not being able to know what "is". Peeta from the Hunger Games trilogy put it best when he asked the question "Real or Not Real?" I still find myself on many occasions asking myself did this really happen to me? Then I finally remember that "Yes" its real, If i ever second guess myself I try to eat something, chew some gum, munch on a favorite snack and inside my head i hear the never ending reminder that those titanium plates that are now holding your jaw together had to be put there because someone you loved almost killed you. And then I go through the constant second guessing and self deprecating feelings that someone who says they love me would never do that to me. I am too nice and pretty for someone to really want to hurt me that bad. But in all reality regardless  of all the "I love you's" and all the promises that he could never hurt me, he DID. HURT me is not even close to the word that can begin to best describe the absolute devastation caused by his thoughtless actions. Over time the physical pain has begun to diminish and I have so foolishly convinced myself that dealing with the physical first would help me begin to tackle the emotional pain. As with many things I have deceived myself and have for many days honestly thought that I was dealing with this in the best way that I knew how. I may in my own way have dealt with it but that is not the right way to do things, as my current emotions have so openly reminded me. I have been kindly informed that the true healing process is going to hurt more than I could have ever imagined and the only way better is through. Trudging through seems simple enough until that tiny trigger comes along and sends me into an entirely unexpected whirlwind of emotions that I can't find the right words to define. For my own protection at this time I feel it best to not divulge the specifics of the abuse that has caused this complete sadness and depression. I have been called into court to once again recount the specifics of this incident and until the trial is over I'm not sure i'll be able to once again provide the details. This is in my own way a self preservation thing and something I feel very strongly about. When I am ready for it i'll fill you in on the details. For now just know that I am broken, but I can be fixed so don't throw me away.