"Real or Not Real?"

For the next part of this story I feel it necessary to start by telling you that I put off writing this because it is the hardest part to comes to terms with. Meaning that I am stuck at the moment in a state of not being able to know what "is". Peeta from the Hunger Games trilogy put it best when he asked the question "Real or Not Real?" I still find myself on many occasions asking myself did this really happen to me? Then I finally remember that "Yes" its real, If i ever second guess myself I try to eat something, chew some gum, munch on a favorite snack and inside my head i hear the never ending reminder that those titanium plates that are now holding your jaw together had to be put there because someone you loved almost killed you. And then I go through the constant second guessing and self deprecating feelings that someone who says they love me would never do that to me. I am too nice and pretty for someone to really want to hurt me that bad. But in all reality regardless  of all the "I love you's" and all the promises that he could never hurt me, he DID. HURT me is not even close to the word that can begin to best describe the absolute devastation caused by his thoughtless actions. Over time the physical pain has begun to diminish and I have so foolishly convinced myself that dealing with the physical first would help me begin to tackle the emotional pain. As with many things I have deceived myself and have for many days honestly thought that I was dealing with this in the best way that I knew how. I may in my own way have dealt with it but that is not the right way to do things, as my current emotions have so openly reminded me. I have been kindly informed that the true healing process is going to hurt more than I could have ever imagined and the only way better is through. Trudging through seems simple enough until that tiny trigger comes along and sends me into an entirely unexpected whirlwind of emotions that I can't find the right words to define. For my own protection at this time I feel it best to not divulge the specifics of the abuse that has caused this complete sadness and depression. I have been called into court to once again recount the specifics of this incident and until the trial is over I'm not sure i'll be able to once again provide the details. This is in my own way a self preservation thing and something I feel very strongly about. When I am ready for it i'll fill you in on the details. For now just know that I am broken, but I can be fixed so don't throw me away. 

It happened one night

July 2, 2011 started out like an other day. Wake up and convince my son that it really is time to get up or we are gonna be late. (Yes waking up is not one of our most exciting things to do.) We finally manage to leave the house in enough time to make to our destination on time, our neighborhood 4th of July breakfast and bike parade for the chillins.  After spending time enjoying good food and the company of wonderful neighbors myself, my son and my boyfriend headed for home. The weather was perfect and the day was just beginning so we decided to get an early start on adventure. Our goal was the neighborhood splash pad and a day full of water play, then an evening of fireworks and family. We arrived at the splash pad only to find it closed. So in response to that disappointment my boyfriend and I decided to improvise water fun for my son. One kiddie pool and garden hose later we had ourselves our own little front yard water park (imaginations are wonderful) at my boyfriends house.  The three of us spent the afternoon and early evening chasing each other around the yard, splashing in the tiny pool and entertaining other neighbor children that came to enjoy in the fun as well. My son had decided that his friends house would be more fun after a while so I walked him over to his house and made sure it was ok for him to play there. After informing his mother where I could be found I returned to my boyfriends home to help clean up the mess we made and finish enjoying the rest of the beautiful day. 

    At this point in the story I should mention a few key points that will help you understand and keep things straight. Said boyfriends name is James, (as is my ex husbands name, yes it might get confusing)  at some point during our adventurous afternoon he began drinking. I began drinking with him now that my son was being cared for and I was no longer entertaining other children. I decided I could indulge and everything would be all right.
  
    After a couple of hours my son came home sporting a brand new booboo on his toe. I did what I could to help his little toe but we both decided that it was time for us to return to our house for the night. I began to gather our things and get ready to go home. This is where my night becomes a little fuzzy. James and I were sitting on the lawn smoking and talking then for some unknown reason he started throwing my things around the yard. I told my son to start going home and I would follow after I picked everything up. James grabbed on to my sons leg and told him he couldn't leave. In a quick reaction to someone grabbing my son like that I (with what I thought must have been some force) hit james in the chest in an attempt to get him to let go of my son. He did let go and my son started going home after a few moments of convincing.  The specifics of our subsequent conversation are not clear to me at this time but I do know that he was irritated and left for a moment to do I don't know what. I began to again clean up all my things that were now strewn across the yard and in the moments that followed my life became forever changed.

Where to begin...?

This story does not have a happy beginning. No "Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away there was a princess...".  There is sadness, trauma and devastation. But do not get too discouraged, this story is also filled with strength, hope and love. My story needs a happily ever after and this will be the tale of how I find my happy ending. A happily ever after that is worthy of the princess I can be.

In order to get caught up you'll need a few details to get you to where I am in this story. Ready?